Loner

Recently, I’ve been having terrible mood swings. Most of the time I’m just on the low side but every now and then I get a little glimpse of hope that makes me smile at least. But in the end, my mood always drops down a hundred meters below sea level that I hardly even see the sunlight anymore. In fact, the higher my happiness becomes on a certain day, the lower my mood gets soon after.

It hurts me that I have become like this–feeling depressed all the time. Don’t get me wrong–it’s not like I’ve been wrecked by a horrible disaster like war and calamities; in fact, I’m far from all those needy, poor people and wandering abandoned children in the streets with no food, clothing, and shelter. I’m well-fed, well-clothed, talented, educated, smart, etc… But even with all the good things in my life, honestly, I’m just very, very lonely. I think it’s also mostly my fault, since I’ve been nothing but an anti-social idiot these days. I could always get out of my shell and make friends, yeah, no problem. I just finally decided that I don’t want to do it anymore, and that decision depressed me more than anything.

I do have a reason for that though.

Recently, I feel like I’m being judged by the way I act around people. Like how I was evaluated by my youth leader: “Nina needs to work on making friends.” As a matter of fact, I do know how to make friends. I know how to meet people. I know how to make bonds that will last for a long time. Just because I don’t make a bunch of acquaintances, doesn’t mean I cannot make friends. I make friends slowly. I’m not that kid who walks into a room full of strangers and in an instant they’re all my best friends. As much as I’d like to be that person, I am not that person. I make friends one at a time, and for me it’s a slow process of building bond and trust that doesn’t happen on the first moment I meet someone. This is how I become really close with my best friends and I cherish every single one of them and they love me the same way. I also don’t waste my time on people who doesn’t seem to be genuinely interested. I don’t waste my time on stupid small talk that won’t accomplish anything. I don’t flock over from one person to another. I don’t want to get to know everyone on a shallow level. I’d rather have only one friend who stays by me knows me very well than be shallow acquaintances with all the people in the world.

And just because I yearn for real friendship, I get hurt. I want make friends on my own pace, but this country, this life, won’t let me. All my closest friends who used to care about me and love me are not here anymore. I have been separated from them, and they may not know about it, but whenever I lose a friend, I feel terribly hurt. It’s like building a tower of bricks for years only to be devastated when it all falls down because of an earthquake. At first I tried to assure myself that goodbyes are a natural part of life, but the more I try to make myself feel better, I more I realize that I feel terrible. It hurts to know that everything I do is useless. It hurts to know that whatever I build breaks. I hate it when it breaks. I don’t want to get hurt when it ends. I don’t like being separated from people. And when a friendship is really good, the depression that comes when it ends will be the absolute worst. So why bother making friends when they all leave me anyway? I’d rather be lonely forever than get hurt all over again.

Also, every time I reach out, I’m always discouraged by most people’s lack of interest. Nobody wants to listen to me. Nobody would rather hear out my heartaches. Whenever I do, I end up hearing about their own experience on the matter because they’re all so busy talking about themselves. For once I would want someone to listen to me. I have had enough of hearing everyone else’s problems and sympathizing with them. When it’s my turn to talk, nobody hears me. This is why I’m so quiet. This is another reason why I don’t bother talking to people anymore. It’s always me who has to pay attention. Nobody ever pays any attention to me. I tried my best to be that person who cares and listens to others but nobody bothers to care about me. I guess also knowing that nobody cares made me tend to build more walls around myself. I’d rather not waste my energy sharing myself to people who don’t even care or to people who won’t even remember what I say anyway.

However…

Loneliness is proving to be just as painful. It’s like a monotone–it doesn’t sound very appealing. It’s like the indication of death by a heartbeat monitor–it has no ups and downs, just a straight line of nothingness. That emptiness encases me like a callous until I no longer feel anything. I have no one and I hurt no one. No one knows me and no one hurts me. I’m completely isolated. And I feel completely empty.