Ambition 2

So previously I wrote a blog titled “Ambition (and/or lack thereof).” In that blog, I wrote about how I had little ambition to be anything. But after a while, I think it’s starting to change, and believe it or not, it’s all because of AsianFanFics.com.

AsianFanFics is a website where anyone can post fan fiction, usually related to Kpop and Asian stuff. I started my account way back in 2014, and with much hesitation, because I despised the whole term “fan fiction,” but I eventually gave in after coming up with some stupid plot about a food-stealing ghost (Sherlock Diaries: Apparition). Back then I was a mere high school kid with no real ambitions to be a professional writer at all. Though many years ago even as a kid in grade school I’ve said I wanted to be a writer (writing Pokemon fanfics on a notebook), I never really took writing seriously until I started that AFF account. I only wrote one short story before AFF, about my OC Andrei and Anne’s The Last Chapter (only because I was pissed when I read one of my friends’ cliche original compositions, and I wanted to prove that I was a better writer than her). When I started that AFF account, I began to come up with a bunch of unconventional plot lines with Kpop as characters. I became insanely creative. I also became a lot better at writing. With Avatar: The Legend of Taeyeon, I became so good at writing action. With Forgotten Season and Breaking Thin Ice, I got so good at writing drama and emotion-filled scenarios, despite having no personal experience with those particular “angsty” feelings. I improved a lot in the art of putting words together, all because of AFF.

However, moving to Korea was a big change for me. Plus, after reading a bunch of comments on my fic Forgotten Season I sort of got a little discouraged. And as I was staying here in Korea, I learned a lot about Korea’s history and culture, thus, I deemed the whole plot of the story somewhat unrealistic. Honestly, that particular fic was (and still is) the most complicated out of all the stories I’ve even come up with. Not only was the plot difficult to complete, the whole writing style for the story (with past and present overlapping and major character development) was difficult in and of itself. I decided to take down the story from the site and reinvented the plot numerous times. I also ended up discontinuing Avatar: The Legend of Taeyeon for lack of ideas on how to execute the next sequence of events. Since I got busier with my life here in Korea, I ended up just giving up and took a break from all the writing. For about 2 years, I stopped writing stories.

However, I still wanted to write.

The feedback I got from my parents after The Last Chapter was a big encouragement to me. I never forgot how they told me I was a “mature” writer. (I just never told them the childish reason why I wrote that fic lol. They thought I wrote it around the time my grandfather died, but no, I think I wrote that story before my grandfather died.) My mother also let her friend read it and praised me a lot for it. At first, I didn’t want my parents reading my story for fear that they find out I have such “deep” thoughts. But after all that praise, it felt pretty freaking good, honestly.

And then there was Breaking Thin Ice. For me, Breaking Thin Ice was a masterpiece that incorporated all my angsty feelings during 2014 (it was a pretty awful year for my teenage self). Every time I think of the plot I still thought it was the most beautiful thing I have ever written. Even the comments I received from that fanfic when I completed the story boosted my big fat ego, because apparently, I made people cry because of that story. Some even went so far as to analyze my story in the comments, and it made me so happy that the message I wanted to convey came out beautifully. Although my mother was not a big fan of it, but my Dad liked it. He said my writing had a specific style–with the main point/lesson being at the very conclusion of a story–just like The Last Chapter. He probably doesn’t even remember saying that, but I remembered that comment and I stuck with it. I realized that I wanted to write more stories like that.

So years passed, but I never really got to come up with a story that can match The Last Chapter or Breaking Thin Ice. But as my time in Korea drew on, I got to experience and learn a lot of things, and most importantly, feel a lot of “emotions.” They all began to build up and I knew I wanted to translate them into a decent story. I just didn’t have a plot though.

When I was in vacation in the Philippines, back in 2017 (aka the best year ever), I could not help but notice the rain. It rain all the damn time. And it wasn’t just rain like drops of falling water, it was RAIN RAIN SHOWER MONSTER. It was a beautiful chaos. At first I thought it was a bit scary, but it became an odd comfort somehow. I also saw my sister’s post in Instagram of the rain with “One of These Nights” by Red Velvet playing in the background. Tell you what, there was nothing more inspiring than that enchanting ambiance… And thus a rough scene for my first ever Red Velvet fic was born!

I wrote the prologue and first two chapters for that story when I came back to Korea, but never got to do much with it, because I have no particular plot for it. I also really wanted to make a story about the sinking of SeWol, but I was just out of decent ideas to make the plot interesting. Many months later, around December, I heard some disturbing news about one of my old church acquaintances committing suicide. And then Jonghyun from SHINee also committed suicide. Those two incidences was shocking and very heart-breaking for me. And oddly, when something sends me into a whirl of “angsty” emotions, my creativity also shoots up. One night, while contemplating the entire “suicide/depression” thing, I opened up that old draft for the “rain-related Red Velvet fic” and suddenly the plot just came to me. I finally knew what I wanted to do with that story. Unlike The Last Chapter (which was centered on a concept of “ending”) and Breaking Thin Ice (which was centered on the true meaning of love and friendship), I wanted to write a story centering on people’s hopes, dreams, and hidden emotions. Thus, a new story, Candy, was conceptualized to being.

I began to write that story, perfecting each chapter to it’s ends, making sure the emotions of each character was portrayed in detail. I also continued to fine-tune the outline, making sure that the character development shines through. When I thought I was ready, I finally decided to get back to AsianFanFics and post the story.

At first, I didn’t get a lot of feedback, and it made me feel slightly discouraged. A lot of people subscribed, but nobody was commenting. However, a few updates later (and maybe a little bit of begging) these super amazing comments came. And the best part was that they were highly complimenting me on my writing style. (The comments from Breaking Thin Ice were great too, but the comments for this one are more about my writing style.)

Here are some of the actual comments I received:

• Phew … I never knew one could be so detailed about the melancholy quality of rain. Equally sad and beautiful at the same time. You’ve captured her sombre state really well … I feel transported there.
• so good, i really like it all the atmosphere and the feelings you put in on the story, keep the hard work, lots of love
• Your way of writing this story really makes me feel warm and close to them. That’s a talent
• Ahhhh!! I just really love your writing. I like it that sometimes when it is not necessary to converse in dialogue, you describe the conversation as how a person would just write normally. Idk if that makes sense.
• When sooyoung talked about the candy wrapper and how it hides people’s thoughts and feelings… It hits home. I know i said it before but i wanna say it again, you really have the talent to touch people’s heart through writings

BUT BEST OF ALL, I GOT THIS (after replying to a comment) AND I FREAKED OUT AND SQUEALED:

• I don’t know about anyone else but honestly, the way you worded things, it felt like you understand those complicated feelings. Idk if it makes sense. I’m bad with words anyway, I don’t view this as a fanfic anymore, but instead i feel like I’m reading a legit novel. If you’re thinking about making a career out of writing, then go for it! I wish you all the best 🙂

I was so touched by this reader’s words, that I just knew… Maybe I do want to take writing a lot more seriously–like seriously enough to make a real career about it. I reread my old comments in Breaking Thin Ice too, and I realized that I’ve always had that “feel.”

• i think the saddest part of the story was sunny’s monologue depicting, summarizing what we (the readers) all thought and struggled to cope with. beautifully written, i cried a lot. amazing story, please do continue writing more.
• This story got me so hard! I cry for nth times!!!
• Damn u author-sshi. u make me cried so hard ! like really hard ! it became worse coz I just can’t stop crying. God. u’re truly talented in writing. such a beautiful story. I’m speechless. Seriously, thank you. I really hope u could right another wonderful story again. I’ll wait okay? 🙂 Have a nice day author-sshi ! >_<
• Your writing is really beautiful and touches the heart, I like it! :’)
  Despite it being not a really happy ending, tragic… it was a beautiful ending.
• Beautiful sad story.. Touching the most sensitive stringes of the soul.
  thank you, author!

Then there’s this one from a SeulRene one-shot (The Uninvited Guest) that made me realize something huge:

• Usually when people became busy with life, met new people, and they talk less to u, and u literally just interact with likes in pictures, they kinda forgets u and when you talk or chat with them it’s awkward, how much more when you meet face to face … And thank you for writing this. … We didn’t get romance here, but how you tell their friendship is beautiful :’) … After reading this, i actually message my old bff. This makes me miss them.

Like seriously, how did I not realize that I have a REAL talent for this?? I mean I always knew I had talent, but I never really thought that that talent had actual effect on people. And it was a very powerful effect too. That one person made him/her want to reconnect with his/her old friend because of my story. That, to me, is insane. I actually became a positive influence to that person! HECK, WHY DON’T I DO THIS MORE OFTEN!

Now I’m back in writing and I’m getting more fired up about it now more than ever. Since the message of Candy (the one I’m currently writing) is intended to be a powerful one, I have resolved to finish it, and write it in the best way I possibly can. Elements of true friendship, depression, suicide, suicide prevention, grief, separation, growing-up etc. are going to be in this new story. I want it to have a great impact on my readers, not because my writing is great, but because I want to be the a positive influence, in a site full of trashy smut-fics and crack nonsense.

Maybe in the future I really do become a novel writer. And I want to be the same positive influence through that as well. This is my new ambition. May God Bless my endeavors.